Motiviation

 Every year, thanks to my friend Terri, I choose a word to focus on for the year. Then, as the year comes to a close, I focus on how that word impacted my life. Well, last year I chose Motivation. Motivation - the reason we have for behaving in a particular way or a willingness to get something done.

When I chose that word, I thought it would spur me into fulfilling directions - making dreams happen. But that isn't what happened.

The end of December my husband got really sick. As we moved into January things got worse, and continued to get worse. And then covid struck. The world as we knew it was turned upside down and inside out. As I think about all the events, the word that comes to mind is purge.

I purged my house. We took loads upon loads of boxes to the local thrift store.

I purged my yard. We finally tackled the ominous task of getting rid of English ivy and bamboo. A job I thought would be far simpler than it was.

I purged relationships. As tensions rose with the uncertainty, who we are showed itself. I lost friend who stabbed me in the back - I stepped away from a long term, toxic friendship - a relationship with no respect for differences and no interest in understanding.

And it hurt deeply. One I chose to move on from, others decided to move away from me. It's hard to understand why some people would rather be someone different to your face than when you are around. It makes me wonder what their "motivation" is.

Purging means getting rid of things that are unclean or undesirable. It means to purify or clear. So 2020 was really not motivation, it was purge. But purge taught me about my own motivation.

Why do I procrastinate? I know something needs to be done, but I find excuses not to do them. Why do I pursue those friendships that closed on me? Why do I want so desperately to stay friends with someone who's motivation is clearly self-serving?

That's when I started thinking about motivation. What is my motivation. I want my home to be inviting, but I don't know how to give myself permission to rest - So I try to do it all at once and burn out. Procrastinate. Why do I pursue friendships that have clearly ended? I want to be liked. I want people to understand me.

And so I am thinking about my word for 2021. So much has changed this last year. I think 2021 will be a year of rediscovery. A year of redirection. A year of transformation and balance. A year of harmony.